Absurd Overheard

“My 5yo: ‘Mom, can people be both ninjas and a...

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 16:07:57 -0500

“My 5yo: ‘Mom, can people be both ninjas and a doctor? Their bosses won’t care?’”

- Anna Rice (@rockinanna) via Twitter

“Butterball has a hotline? God, I’m sorry, I love my...

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 19:28:00 -0500

“Butterball has a hotline? God, I’m sorry, I love my country.”

- President Bartlet on the West Wing, tweeted by Sorkin Dialogue (@sorkinese) via Twitter

“I know long hair don’t care. But why? Why is hair...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 15:54:41 -0500

“I know long hair don’t care. But why? Why is hair of a certain length so CONSUMED by apathy?”

- @donni via Twitter

“Ran into a guy today. His breath smelled like warm dirty...

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 13:42:13 -0400

“Ran into a guy today. His breath smelled like warm dirty pennies.”

-Von Glitschka ‏(@vonster) via Twitter

“Just looked out in the back yard only to see that tonight...

Fri, 21 Sep 2012 11:33:33 -0400

“Just looked out in the back yard only to see that tonight must have been Raccoon Wrestling Smackdown. I thought it was Thursdays.”

-Taylor Nall (@jtnall) via Twitter

“Almost dropped my Kindle in the sand, then thought...

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 16:45:00 -0400

“Almost dropped my Kindle in the sand, then thought ‘Sandy Kindles’ would be a pretty solid porn star name.”

- Dan Sullivan (@DanielJSullivan) via Twitter

“More people are killed each year by dishwashers than by...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 16:40:00 -0400

“More people are killed each year by dishwashers than by sharks.”

- The Google Fact (@thegooglefact) via Twitter

(retweeted by @katieolecki and @inkedpaige)

“Cats are hairy little dictators.” -Molly...

Fri, 17 Aug 2012 16:44:29 -0400

“Cats are hairy little dictators.”

-Molly (@holycatswhatnow) via Twitter

“I’ve been doing impersonations of Bane from...

Fri, 10 Aug 2012 16:10:00 -0400

“I’ve been doing impersonations of Bane from ‘Dark Knight Rises’ and I think I sound closer to a muffled Mr. Belvedere.”

-Brooks Terry via Facebook

“The bird outside my window was totally tweeting the intro...

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 17:35:36 -0400

“The bird outside my window was totally tweeting the intro beats to brass monkey this morning.”

-Heather Ivy (@heatherivy) via Twitter

“Just watched an otherwise sane looking woman try to use a...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 13:33:27 -0400

“Just watched an otherwise sane looking woman try to use a Gameboy Color as a phone.”

-David Sizemore (@david_sizemore) via Twitter

“I’m gonna make a perfume called True Desire and...

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 15:21:04 -0400

“I’m gonna make a perfume called True Desire and it’ll smell like waffles.”

- Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) via Twitter

If the TV show “Community” was a hill, I would roll...

Fri, 25 May 2012 11:39:02 -0400

If the TV show “Community” was a hill, I would roll down it until Jesus exploded into a million stars and swordfish.

- Phongh Tran (@phonghtran) via Twitter

“With the humidity and the bugs out, I’m surprised I...

Thu, 17 May 2012 14:49:21 -0400

“With the humidity and the bugs out, I’m surprised I didn’t end my bike ride looking like an Everything Bagel.”

-Joey Egly on Facebook

“Careful what you say in a mattress store. Memory foam...

Wed, 02 May 2012 12:59:39 -0400

“Careful what you say in a mattress store. Memory foam never forgets.”

- Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) via Twitter

“My beard is a diet force field. 20% of everything I eat...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 16:46:03 -0400

“My beard is a diet force field. 20% of everything I eat never makes it past.”

- @primawesome via Twitter

“Someone should make a dog chew in the shape of a pipe so...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 12:29:00 -0400

“Someone should make a dog chew in the shape of a pipe so when they are carrying it around they look like dapper gents.”

- Matt Saunders (@rabbitportal) via Twitter

“Best client approval - ‘We’ll go with the...

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 13:52:42 -0400

“Best client approval - ‘We’ll go with the middle banana and the left donkey.’”

- Mikey Burton (@MikeyBurton) via Twitter

“Friday the 13th loses a little of its ominousness when...

Fri, 13 Apr 2012 16:37:00 -0400

“Friday the 13th loses a little of its ominousness when you discover that its also National Peach Cobbler Day.”

- The Texanist (@thetexanist) via Twitter

“Funny how ‘butt dial’ and ‘booty...

Tue, 10 Apr 2012 12:38:03 -0400

“Funny how ‘butt dial’ and ‘booty call’ sound the same but really are very different. Just somethin’ i was thinking about…”

- Curtis Jinkins (@Curtis_Jinkins) via Twitter